Leaving Scars
by T'Laina
Summary: Jim has made a big mistake- one that threatens to tear his relationship with Spock apart. Jim believes Spock will forgive him but he finds it isn't so easy. Inspired by the song Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Inspired by the chorus of Christina Perri's _Jar of Hearts_. I do not own the song or Star Trek. Reviews appreciated! **

* * *

"Spock, wait."

_And who do you think you are?_

Spock continued on his way to his quarters. Nothing else was to be discussed with Jim.

"Commander!"

He stopped dead in his tracks and slowly turned to face his captain.

_Running 'round leaving scars._

"Captain, there is nothing else we need to discuss. You have made it clear that you no longer value our relationship and so I will not pursue it." Spock stated coolly.

Jim's face crinkled up slightly. He rubbed his hand over his face trying to soothe a pounding headache. He gathered his resolve and spoke.

"Spock, it was a mistake." He whispered as he moved his hand to touch Spock's face. He positioned it on his cheek. "Carol isn't the one I love. I was piss drunk, you know I do that to myself sometimes."

_Collecting your jar of hearts._

Spock could feel his heart start to beat slightly faster. His hands clenched slightly. He could feel the familiar beginnings of anger.

"Your inebriation does not excuse what you have done. You have broken the bond we shared. I trusted you Jim; I had believed you would stay faithful. Perhaps that was illogical." Spock almost seethed, his anger barely staying under control.

_And tearing love apart. _

"We need to- "Jim started before Spock tore Jim's hand from his face and turned back to walk away.

_You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul._

He would not be shared with anyone. What they had together, Spock had thought to be an exclusive and loving relationship. His judgment had been erroneous. That Jim could sleep with someone else after all they'd gone through to get where they were... it was almost unbelievable. But it seemed that some things never changed. And Jim Kirk would always be a skirt- chasing womaniser. Spock had only just come to that unsettling reality.

Jim ran around in front of Spock and grabbed both hands gently. Spock stared deeply into the startlingly blue eyes that he had come to appreciate.

"Please, Spock."

_Don't come back for me._

"No, Jim. You have proved to me that your womanising ways will not cease and that you are clearly incapable of controlling your urges." Spock tried to say evenly, not allowing the sadness and rage that was welling inside of him to escape.

"Spock-"

"Have Carol, be satisfied Jim." Spock spat roughly thrusting his hands away. He swiftly departed from Jim who stood dumbfounded in the hallway.

Perhaps Jim said something. But Spock blocked it out. His heart was beating so fast he felt it might explode and his breathing was slightly ragged. The unbearable emotions of sadness mixed with anger and betrayal threatened to overwhelm him right there in the corridors as he walked. He didn't know if he could ever face Jim again. The way Jim would make him feel could destroy him.

_Don't come back at all. _


	2. Chapter 2

As Spock stepped onto the bridge for the day, the first thing he noticed was Jim sternly talking to Carol. He could not decipher what they were talking about but Jim did not look pleased. A pang of sadness threatened Spock and so he quickly looked down and walked to his station relieving the officer there.

For the last 2 weeks, the efficiency of the bridge crew had been down 24%. Spock knew it was most likely due to Jim and himself not bantering playfully on the bridge anymore. The crew could work better when they saw their leaders relaxed. But now that they were so tense, it affected the crew's performance.

Spock had said exactly 43 words to the captain in the last two weeks which mostly consisted of "yes captain" or "affirmative/negative". It was unusual not being in close communion with Jim, but Spock supposed he would get used to it.

After his shift, he returned to his quarters for some meditation. Before he could open the doors, Nyota ran up to him.

"Spock. We need to talk." She motioned to the doors to his quarters and he nodded.

They sat themselves down on the couch. Spock waited for Uhura to speak, but she seemed to be examining him rather than about to converse.

* * *

_They had been sitting on the couch in Jim's quarters. Spock had just beaten Jim at chess for the third time in a row._

_'Do not worry Captain; you will become more apt at the game through further matches.' Spock said encouragingly. _

_'Is that an offer, Commander, to play some more?' Jim teased._

_'Indeed it is. I find I much enjoy your companionship Jim.' _

_'More than Nyota?' Jim asked jokingly._

_'Jim, Nyota and I are no longer pursuing each other.' Spock stated._

_'Oh, I'm sorry! Shame. What happened?' Jim asked quietly._

_Spock shifted to sit a bit closer to Jim. Spock observed his eyes to be sparkling. He quietly cleared his throat._

_'Nyota was concerned that she could not make me feel emotions as you can make me. When she saw my distress after you died, she was convinced that you were the only one who could make me feel anything.'_

_Jim's mouth was slightly agape._

_'I am the cause? Oh, God. I feel awful.' _

_'You did not cause it Jim. I could not give Nyota what she needed and she understood that. We still remain friends.'_

_Jim sat silent for a while processing all Spock had said. On impulse, Jim had reached out and taken Spock's hand. Spock stiffened momentarily, but then relaxed into the hold. Spock placed his other hand on top of Jim's. _

_They had just sat like that silently for a period of time neither could remember. They looked out to the stars together while continuing to hold each other's hands. That was the beginning. The beginning of a relationship that had greatly enriched their lives. _

_That was until..._

* * *

"Spock!"

Spock broke out of his reverie. He blinked a few times trying to regain the knowledge of when and where he was.

"Spock, you were in a trance." Nyota looked concerned.

"I apologise Nyota. I did not mean to concern you." Spock replied. "Will you now tell me what you need to talk about?"

"What is going on between you and the Captain? You've barely talked to each other recently. The bridge is really feeling the tension." She said crossing her arms.

Spock turned away from her and stared out the window as he had done with Jim.

"We have decided to terminate our relationship." Spock said softly.

Nyota's mouth dropped open.

"What? Why?"

"Jim behaved in a very unfavourable way. Humans would refer to it as cheating."

"That son of a –"

"There is no need to insult the captain, Nyota. Our working relationship is strained but under control, we will perform efficiently as a command team. But we will no longer see each other romantically. He has made his lack of faithfulness clear."

"Oh Spock," Nyota soothed. "I'm going to give that bastard a good talking to for you!"

"That will not be necessary... But thank you."

* * *

"Come in."

Spock stepped into the Captain's ready room and stood to attention.

"At ease Commander. Do you have the reports to send?"

Spock handed over the appropriate PADDs and then stood back.

"Is that all Captain?" He asked.

"No Spock. Would you please join me in the rec room at 1700? There are some things we need to discuss."

Spock hesitated. He knew what Jim would likely want to talk about. Before he could really consider his answer, he replied.

"Yes Jim."

Jim flashed him a little smile and nodded in appreciation.


	3. Chapter 3

Jim had it all ready. He had booked out the rec room and locked the doors as he had gotten everything set up. Uhura had helped him with the idea. Jim hoped Spock would love what he had pulled together- love it enough that he might take Jim back.

It was 1630; Jim left the rec room and locked it behind him. He needed to change into something spiffy. As he walked down the corridors, he was hailed by Ensign Chekov.

"Keptan Kirk to the Bridge."

Jim huffed. A captain was never off duty. He made his way to the nearest turbo-lift.

* * *

When he arrived on the bridge, there was a flurry of activity happening.

"Report please, Mr. Spock."

"We have received a distress call from Coela VI. There is massive seismic activity on the planet. They need assistance in evacuating the population from the unstable continent to the less inhabited but stable continent. I am preparing away mission plans." Spock informed the captain.

"Why can we not just beam them all from one location to the next?" Jim inquired.

"Zhey require assistance in getting people out of their homes and to the nearest transport sites where they can beam many more people at a time. Beaming individual people to the stable continent would take too long, there are thousands of inhabitants. Zhey really need an extra pair of hands." Chekov piped in.

"We're going to have to beam down a hell of a lot of teams. We'll need to transport each team to strategic locations to get the people out as quickly as possible. Spock, the mission plans." Jim ordered.

Spock handed the mission plan over and allowed Jim to analyse it.

"Good. Spock, you and I will beam to the surface together immediately and confer with the leaders. Sulu, you have the conn. The evac teams are to be prepped and ready to go in 15 minutes." Jim said firmly and clearly. His captain's mask was fully on.

"Aye sir."

* * *

They had met with the leader of Coela VI in their Parliament building. Jim was conversing with the First Minister about the locations he would be beaming teams to. Spock was slightly disconcerted as he stood by Jim's side. The ground beneath them was shaking slightly. He suddenly noticed cracks starting to appear in the building's walls.

"Excuse me, First Minister, Captain, but I believe we must leave this building at once. The structural integrity seems to be deteriorating."

A violent shake suddenly rocked the ground.

"It appears you are correct commander." The First Minister affirmed. "I will go and call my assistant to arrange a transport to the main evacuation centre. Everyone else in this building has already been beamed there. We may oversee the operation once we arrive. "

"Thank you." Jim and Spock said at the same time. Jim flushed slightly.

The First Minister walked out of the building in search of his assistant. Jim and Spock stood awkwardly for a moment before the ground rumbled beneath them. Dust started to fall from the ceiling.

"Let's go." Jim said motioning for Spock to follow him quickly. As they headed for the exit through the winding corridors, small chunks of the ceiling started to crash down. The captain and commander both dodged them skilfully closing in on the exit. A statue to Spock's left fell with a loud clang, the stairwell leading out of the door was splitting in two.

An ear splitting crack ripped through the air. Before Spock could comprehend what was happening, he felt Jim violently push him through the exit. Spock stumbled and fell, cutting his forearm as it sliced deep across a fallen piece of metal. Despite the pain and green blood that was pouring from his body, he turned to anticipate Jim's departure from the building. Instead he witnessed the ceiling collapse in on Jim as he ran.

Spock scrambled away as the building became unstable. His breathing was fast, adrenaline surged through his body- Jim must be brought to safety. He ripped his communicator from his pocket.

"Enterprise, two to transport directly to sickbay immediately."

He was almost instantly absorbed into the familiar tingle of the transporters.

As they materialised into sickbay, Spock quickly picked up Jim's limp, battered body and placed him onto a bio-bed. An impossibly fast heart beat, bursts of adrenaline coursing through his body, a green stream of blood rapidly pumping out of his arm. Swirls of colour and noise engulfed Spock. He promptly collapsed onto the floor.


	4. Chapter 4

Jim was still in sickbay. He was making steady progress in his recovery, but Dr. McCoy had ordered him off duty for the next 14 days- no exceptions. He had a concussion, broken arm and a cracked rib. It was possible his recovery would take more than 14 days but Bones knew Jim would not sit still any longer than that.

Spock had been revived shortly after his collapse. His wound had been treated by Dr. McCoy whilst he was unconscious.

"It was a mighty deep gash Spock," McCoy informed him earlier that day. "But it's completely sealed and infection free. There's going to be a scar, not really noticeable but still visible."

Spock pulled up his sleeve and looked at the scar. He trailed his fingers across it lightly. Jim had caused him another scar, but not out of Jim's desire or unfaithfulness, but out of love for Spock. The scar on his arm was a reminder that Jim really did have his best interests at heart and as he sat by Jim's bedside, he wondered how he could ever doubt the man's love for him despite his mistake.

Spock's eyelids started to droop. Jim had only been sporadically conscious for the last day, only receiving his orders of recovery and a brief word of encouragement from Bones. Spock steeled himself, determined to stay awake until he could speak with Jim.

"Spock," he heard a soft voice call. He turned around.

Standing there was Nyota. She had her hands clasped in front of her.

"Nyota, what do you need?" Spock asked. Nyota looked down and blinked a few times. She took a step forward and unclasped her hands.

"There's something you should see."

* * *

Nyota had left Spock in the rec room alone, she had made sure nothing had been changed or disturbed from the way Jim made it. She locked the door on her way out so Spock could have privacy.

It was simple, but completely Jim. A table had been set up near the window looking out to the stars as they had done so early on. A chess board was set up and there was a bottle of wine sitting on the corner of the table. But what fascinated Spock the most was the book sitting on the table. It had a simple blue cover and had 'Spock' written in the corner.

Spock took a seat. He tentatively opened the front cover of the book. The pages in the book were lined, Spock thought this most unusual. If Jim needed to give him a message, a PADD would have sufficed. But it was irrelevant for the time.

_Stardate 25-, Oh screw it. It's the 6__th__ of August. _

_Not that it matters. It's been exactly 1 day since we broke up and I can't believe how stupid I've been. Did I really think that you would forgive me so easily? I don't really know. I supposed that your logic would tell you that since I was drunk, I was not responsible for my actions. But sometimes I forget you have feelings. You are Vulcan, but that doesn't give me the right to toss you around emotionally because I think you can handle it. I've been so stupid Spock. Now I have to go meet with you since our encounter in the hallway. I'm going to be professional, don't worry about that. That doesn't mean my heart won't be pounding out of guilt and embarrassment towards you. _

Spock stared at the words before him. Next to the entry was a small photograph of Spock and Kirk on the observation deck deep in discussion. Lieutenant Sulu had supposedly taken it secretly on a hunch that the commander and captain were seeing each other and distributed it around the ship. Jim had got a hold of it and quite liked it; obviously enough to keep a physical copy. For reasons unknown to him, Spock gently stroked his thumb over the photo.

He continued to flick through the entries. The last one was from two days ago.

_You're amazing, do you know that? I did the most horrible thing ever to you, and yet you can keep the calmest exterior ever around me. I can tell you've noticed the crew's dip in performance. I get the sense they know something's up. Whenever you walk onto the bridge ready for shift, I try and watch you through the corner of my eye to see if you want to talk. To see if you want to make eye-contact, anything. But obviously you don't. I hope we can be friends some day. I've come to the realisation lately that if even if there is no hope for us as a couple; I really want to stay friends. To be a loyal companion. The words 'loyal' and 'Jim' may never be able to go into the same sentence for you at the moment- but I hope it will one day. Live long and prosper Spock._

Jim had drawn a hand performing the ta'al. It was done purely in black marker, but Spock thought it was highly artistic. Spock had not known Jim was an artist. It appeared that it was a talent Jim had been keeping from him. The shadows in the hand created depth and reality. There had been other photographs scattered through the notebook.

The last page surprised Spock slightly.

_I cherish thee._

It was a very non Jim-like thing to say, but it was something that Spock had said on occasion to Jim. The words had a page all for itself. They were simply and neatly written on the top line.

"Do you like it?"

Spock looked up quickly to face the owner of the familiar voice. Jim stood there in his sickbay clothing clutching the edge of a chair for support.

"Captain, you have not been cleared to leave sickbay. I insist you return at once." Spock said walking over to support Jim.

Jim took a step back.

"Cut the crap Spock." Jim said firmly but not harshly. "We've been tiptoeing around each other long enough."

Spock moved forward and placed his hand on Jim's shoulder. He didn't say anything. He simply looked into the blue eyes that he hadn't seen enough of recently.

"Everything I said in there Spock, I meant it whole-heartedly." Jim paused as he looked to the hand on his shoulder. "Spock, what is this?"

The edge of the scar on Spock's forearm was peeking out of his sleeve. Jim took Spock's arm with his one good hand and felt the scar. Spock winced slightly.

"I'm sorry Spock. For everything. For cheating on you, for being an ass, for giving you this scar." Jim said quietly. He turned to walk out of the room. Spock quickly followed behind him.

"Jim, wait."

Jim stopped and faced Spock once more. His eyes were full of hope and promise.

"Would you like a game of chess?" Spock asked.

Jim smiled broadly. He took a few steps towards Spock and pulled him into an embrace. He could feel Spock's warm breath on his neck. He pulled back slightly and kissed Spock gently on the cheek.

"If that means we are OK again, sure."

* * *

One year later, Jim was still the spritely young captain with a loyal first officer serving with him. Spock's scar had healed but a faint line still remained. The physical scar caused by Jim's love was left, but the emotional scar of Jim's betrayal was completely gone.

And for the first time, Jim beat Spock at chess.

* * *

**A/N: This is the end folks. Thank you for reading :) I must note, this is my first time writing something anything mildly related to slash. It scared me somewhat (even though I'm all for reading slash). Obviously, it's mild slash but I was still hesitant. Let me know what you think :)**


End file.
